Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
3:16 AM
of higher highs and lower lows
Decided to update here as well as my tumblr over at eversinceileft.tumblr.com. So people can read either one :)
m going to attempt to sound happy even at my lower lows, one of which happens to be now. First start with a pretty dropcap as usual. I seriously think the dropcaps are getting nicer and nicer over there. If you haven't yet please do check out dailydropcap.com. It's really nothing but awesomeness. I really hope this blog post is going to cheer up my mood. Am still not giving the blogging dream up. Have not been to innit for a long long while ever since they revamped and made it so difficult to post.. So there will probably be no one reading this. But it's ok. As if it's not difficult enough having to live so many different lifes within me. Each one separate from the other. That makes it oh so not practical to share my blog with people I know or post anything on social sites. Lucky for me my close friends are all not fb active or fb crazy so I'm spared from being exposed. But that also makes me a very sad and lonely person online.Such a trade-off ):
Is it really worthed all the trouble to keep this secret? I can't risk one side - let's call it A - okay, A visiting my fb and seeing the other (B)'s photos/(whatever that could give it away) about me or reading my blog (direct suicide). Only options left is either to keep all content out, or use an anonymous name.
Both is saddening.
Nevermind. Some photos from our ten day phuket trip to cheer this space up :) No time to edit so only picked a few. More will be up soon :)
my cheeky boy
decided to stay at on the mainland and explore the city instead :) yay no more beaches after so so so many trips to islands and sunny beaches and all. hahas :)
shops on the river! wonder how they keep their stuffs..
super yummy cakes for supper! :)
ten days was super long. we practically can orientate phuket on the back of our hands now. haha. i even give tips and guides to friends who are going there. lol!
can't wait for the next trip after the exams :)
it's now back to finance. am so dead for the upcoming monday. kinda just started and am still on the first chapter.....
hehe. til then :)
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
1:25 AM
embeded from tumblr
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
3:16 AM
http://spacey-space.tumblr.com/
check me out on tumblr :)
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
3:43 AM
added photos below
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
1:39 AM
09's amazing x'mas **updated**
Among all my trips, albeit few in numbers, this has to go down in hh history as the worst trip ever. If you ever receive another blog post about any trip worse than this, - by the trip I mean it inherently and not what happened, though it contributed a fair amount - well, god bless me.
By now you probably know that I have been, and will still be, travelling quite a bit this break. I don't have to wait for vacation to be over to conclude that amongst them, this was the unbeatable one. Which may be why I'm starting with this. Otherwise, it might just be because I have the resources to blog about this first.
And also another feeble attempt to - I won't even say revive - entertain you, bloggie.
And now, business.
M'sia: Penang & Ipoh
It was beyond boring, it was a complete waste of time.Before it started turning sour, I was the first to get hit. After I came back from Phuket with diarrhoea and vomiting, I felt fine enough to go. And so I went. The way there took much longer than necessary. It didn't help that I got medicine allergy which caused my eyes to swell up. It got so bad that I went to see a doctor there. The only plus side is that it's cheap and probably covered by insurance.
at the weirdo polyclinic with one friendly doc and nurse each
But hell, that wasn't even what made the trip bad. I was sick in Phuket too, but it wasn't that bad a trip. In fact, I was much more sick there.
In the first place I was reluctant to go. There was something inherently wrong with the super cheap tour. And yes, it did turn out to be quite a scam. Though it wasn't that the agency ran off or closed down or something, it was just as bad, if not worse.
I feel too tired to explain. Spent three whole day sitting on the coach and did little else. Travelling took forever. Planning was sucky to the max. Lousy driver who couldn't drive plus a shaky lousy coach who swerves non-stop. Though even the boss was on board no one knew the place at all. The stupid driver got lost time and again and they just took their time figuring out the way. Majority of my time there was spent on the damned coach which wasn't even comfortable. It was supposed to be a 24-seater but it became a 40-seater which was too cramped. No leg space. I sprained about every part of my body that could possibly be stretched. It was supposedly a tour but the guide was non-existent. Just this grumpy and irritable aunty. The driving too long enough that by the time we reached anywhere it was closed. Pretty damned ridiculous to sit on a coach and travel the whole day to somewhere just to get a photo of the closed sign and the entrance and repeat it for the next destination and at the end of the day even the shops were closed by the time you got to f&e after dinner if you ask me. If it's just me I'd have opted to abandon the group and cab myself.
horrendous coach. I am just glad I will be sitting a better coach on my trip to kl next. I'm still wondering how I'll survive another pretty-damn-long bus ride in Malaysia.
As if wasting 4 days of my life on a coach was not enough, the hotel was unsatisfactory too. We paid for three: me, my mum and my sis. They gave us two single bed and expect us to fit in.
we even had to join the beds together manually
It took us a hell of a energy to rack up enough complains for the boss to get those of us with 3 pax an additional bed. Outrageous. I know by now I probably don't sound angered anymore. Seriously I'm just glad it's over and I'm back.
horrendous coach. I am just glad I will be sitting a better coach on my trip to kl next. I'm still wondering how I'll survive another pretty-damn-long bus ride in Malaysia.
As if wasting 4 days of my life on a coach was not enough, the hotel was unsatisfactory too. We paid for three: me, my mum and my sis. They gave us two single bed and expect us to fit in.
we even had to join the beds together manually
It took us a hell of a energy to rack up enough complains for the boss to get those of us with 3 pax an additional bed. Outrageous. I know by now I probably don't sound angered anymore. Seriously I'm just glad it's over and I'm back.
Granted, we did go to some places and well, photos were mostly a fertile attempt to entertain ourselves.
lonely snake with nice skin
creepy place with lots of turtles
a very sick girl being nonchalant about things that suck too much for words
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
12:42 PM
Sandy toes
I know life was never that ready to let up its hold on me. Still, you don't have to constantly remind me of how much - or how little, if any - control I possess.
Regardless, I'm back. And boy, am I glad ((: Home is still the best.
More updates later on. Gonna run, love.
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
11:48 AM
Aftermath
I have decided that I shall attempt to make this blog a happy blog. And once again revive my blog over the holidays. Hahas. Hopefully you will get a revamp soon.
The new year is approaching.
This holiday will probably be one in which I visit the most places on several different trips. And well, hopefully you will get to hear about it.
Hehe.
I am strangely in a singsongy mood today. Yes that word actually exists. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/singsongy; although not exactly in the meaning I intended.
Unfortunately life is never so kind. Or perhaps it's purely painted black by me.
Ok I'll be back to researching on my trips. Cya soon :)
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
7:39 PM
P.S. Do not open this fold
I'm starting to get really sick of this all. Do you know? All those emotional blackmail. All those time and effort. I hate it. Hate being allocated to just one segment of your life. Hate it when you don't have to put in any time and effort outside of the time you spend with me. No one even knows how much time I spend on you. On shopping for you. Your birthday. Your stupid cake. And trying to do things for you. In trying to be creative. And your work. Your exams. And travelling all those miles. Hell. Hate it when all your other commitments and convenience cuts me out and I have to be the one accommodating. It sucks to be the one spending all those time and not getting appreciated, not getting anything back. No idea why I'm even staying. It sucks big time because I actually know and I'm victim to the reason. You know, I'm starting to hate my life more and more. I almost tried to get myself ran over today, and without you there to hold me back, I would have done it subconsciously. Don't even know why I stopped. Perhaps being around you really builds a sense of fear in me.
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
3:14 PM
give me strength to make this last
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
11:31 AM
right now, i am made of lead and helium
what exactly is life?
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
2:42 AM
Life is really long
It should just end.
-ltb csp portfolio
-ltb lj
-fa report
-twc website
-ct report
-fa hw
-ct lj
-fa readings
-get a life
-savour some vanilla ice cream
-dont wait to call
-!@#$%****
-place order for clothes
-sleep (if possible)
i have never done so much reflection my whole life.
neither have i consumed so much energy doing sch work.
why?
It should just end.
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
6:06 AM
Sometimes I wish somethng bad'll happen to me so that I have an excuse to be horrible
Exhausted physically and not.
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
12:34 AM
My World went Black
Tuesday, a light just got extinguished. It wasn't even dimmed out. It just went out. And the next nearest light is so far away I couldn't see any. Although the light wasn't bright, at least it provided some form of guidance.
With it now gone life has lost another whole lot of meaning.
It's a series of unfortunate events.
Once I started that first 'I hate my life' post it hasn't stopped. Every post after that links back to that blackhole that triggered this influx of negativity.
Fortunately for you I think light may be coming back into my life. I don’t know how. I don't know why. But surely this is a good sign?
Actually when I'm not blogging it isn't all as bad. I just happen to blog when I am not so high on the ladder leading to the skies. I can’t see where I'm going now. I hope it’s upward not downward. I hope I'm not self-delusional subconsciously in additional to conscious denial.
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
9:10 PM
On a cold cold day people sneeze
Bloggie.
I'm terrible confused.
How do you assess whether some things are worth going the extra mile or not? On whether putting in that much effort for returns that you aren't sure of is a good choice?
In life there are so many unexplainable.
How do you explain things that do not go with logic? Things that are out of sync with what you know. Ideals being torn down and fallacies being exposed every new minute. I feel so lost even among my own thoughts and logic and emotions as they entangle themselves.
Pulling out strands by strands of sequence is proving too tiring. I feel cold water splashing down caused by my own doing. It is life's own way of a joke to be stabbing your legs with your hands, tripping over your own foot, biting your own tongue, turning yourself inside out.
What's worse is that I have no idea how to undo.
It goes deeper and deeper, drawing me in like a fly drawn to light. Twisting and turning into a never ending maze. Wishing against wish for a nonexistent handhold.
Please tell me what I need to do to make this right.
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
10:34 PM
Skepticism rules
I feel so sick. You know, just because I'm doing a two day week doesn't mean I have it easier than anyone else. I'm still doing the mods alright. Not as if two day week means I do only two mods. That's retarded. I have to do the work for all the mods too okay. Even more so because it's smu. People in other unis have it way better off than us. I don't see any of my friends as busy as smu students. We are all accustomed to being jammed packed by now. Or if you're not you have to be. In other unis, they skype every night. Have hall parties. Shop online all the time. Never seem to have projs. No one ever participates in class so there's no pressure nor need to. With that you don't have to do readings either. Sometimes you don't just look at the law but rather at how it's being implemented. Our side just take it harder. It's tough to live with so much weight. I can't breathe well. It's barely good to survive.
Next week is my driving test. I am seriously stressed out. Huge amounts of pressure. I really wanna get my car back. I mean, who on earth has a car that she can't drive just cuz she doesn't have a license. That's retarded. Most of the people I know who got their license before me don't even get a car to drive. But at the same time I'm scared. I really doubt my ability to navigate safely on the road. Especially with no one to guide me. Though I may very well fail and have to retake. Omg.
I am so freaking out. My body might just not take it till then. It'll totally suck to be sick on test day. Or on presentation day, though that is a high possibility. Have another presentation next week too. Omg. I'm so behind in my work.
My coughing has actually worsened without me eating much today. In fact, I only had a tau sar bao breakfast. My voice is now good on and off. I am tearing so much when I cough you'd think I'm crying. Which I do feel like doing. I still don’t think I deserve this. Though I try not to dwell on it most of the time. Life is just life. What is there to say? At the end of the day, it won't matter so much. But no, I can't let go. I can't bare to not aim for the best. Why am I not surprised?
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
2:18 PM
Heat waves
Today is a terrible day. Headache, fever, sore throat, voice half gone. And with 3 proj meetings to attend later. All 3 wanted same time. One got pushed back. The other will happen simultaneously. With the group members in different physical locations and having two discussions at the same time. One real life, one virtual. And I'm not the only facing that. Amazing to think how everyone copes. I feel too tired to think. And I am actually typing this in school while waiting for class at 4, which will end at 5. Then I can read twc or fa til 730. Omg. I hope I don't have driving early morning tomorrow again. It's getting too tiring. Blogger is not even loading now when I type this. Which is why this can only be posted later.
Yeah that basically sums my day up. Felt sick starting of as and then worsened throughout ltb. I think I should rest now. Have a very unstable internet connection. Bye.
3.30pm
Ok now my proj meetings just increased. To 3 simultaneously. Nice.
3.50pm
And now finally I am back here again to edit this post. I actually posted that from OneNote. Amazing thing. But not very much useful to me. Since I rather consolidate my notes than split them up into more avenues. Still, it's nice.
Meetings were rather not productive. Twc not even online now. Crap. Or mb they left me out again. Jeez. They're so horrible. Twc would so be the one mod I'll drop if I can.
As meeting died. Finding out from wc now.
Fa was not fruitful.
Ltb was the only one with some outcome even though we're still so behind time. Omgg.
This sucks. My eye is swollen now. I got part of my voice back.
11.10pm
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
3:51 PM
Life still decided to hang around
and that's why I'm back from a long hiatus.
Blogger still seems wrong.
Days have been bad. Work is piling.
Actually they are not all that bad but they are not the only ones piling up.
Life is lagged. No idea how to put in so much of that conscientious effort. Don't understand how some people think. It's tiring to be second-guessing all the time, at least for me. I wish things would clear themselves up. Life can be less contradicting for me. With things going one way and the other.
I am rather pissed at myself.
That is a major understatement.
It's strange how 'I feel like dying', 'wth', 'fuck', 'this sucks', 'shit', 'damn' and all the rest found their way into my everyday. I hate it.
This is so gonna be a 'i hate my life' post and I don't care how it turns out. There is too much false shit here to last a lifetime. I feel too tired to even pretend not to be pissed. Half the time I just feel like killing someone. It doesn't help that everything else doesn't want to cooperate. Like how I went to school today with my laptop but smartly left out the battery and charger. Fuck. And the way I always become other's entertainment. I hate it. Even my laptop can't work properly. I can't even type proper words on it. Wth. PLEASE WORK. I'M SICK OF RETYPING EVERYTHING. FUCK. Be sensible and be sensitive. It sucks hell to keep deleting and typing and deleting and typing because the letters keep coming out wrong. ARGH.
Nothing goes right in hanhui's world.
So it can only go wrong.
Right. That is probably the only thing that makes sense now.
I feel like shit. Right now at this moment in life, I really wouldn't mind if something takes me away. I deserve at least that.
But no, things doesn't go that way. That would be too right.
Right. I'm meant to suffer in silence. I wonder why.
I really wonder what on earth did I do to ask this for myself. I must have been damn mean. Satan must like me a lot.
Looks like this bitter feeling of resentment is here to stay.
I fucking don't deserve this treatment.
If you'd open your eyes to my world.
I beg you to.
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
9:27 PM
OMG. I CAN UPLOAD PICS!!
Convocation 2009
Haha. School's starting and I'm not excited at all. Quite the opposite. I don't know. Somehow life just seems down. And everyone around me feels it except me. People keep telling me not to be depressed when I am not-.- Unless maybe I am.
Haha.
Tomorrow's officially my first day, and also the start of my super packed schedule that makes people go 'wow'. I really hope I can pull this stunt off. And withstand the sarcasm and skepticism from non-SMUggers. Wish me luck won't you :)
To be frank, I'm almost too overwhelmed by all the readings I have to do before tomorrow and maybe that's why I am still here. What I really need now is a deep breath to keep me going.
Hopefully blogger have not yet malfunctioned again, I shall throw some photos here to entertain while I inhale and exhale.
Birthday boy:)
All of us but tang:D Kinda long since everybody turned up. In fact, I don't think there was one. Haha.
At the new ktv place at bedok ex-princess there..
I'm posting your pho because I just love you so much! Haha.
Actually I think I have a lot of photos on my cam that i haven't transferred.
So maybe I'll share some FTB photos..
Or actually, I think they all look too unglam I'll keep them for myself. Haha.
Found some ancient photos from the last day of school (I think, or at least it was grad day).
Alright I better go now. Back to reading!
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
10:01 PM
blogger madness
It doesn't seem back to normal, although I can blog. Won't be blogging for quite a while. Don't be too disappointed. Haha.
Happy birthday Singapore:)
Color my life ; I want it to be COLORFUL *
8:30 PM
